Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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