I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
