how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
