I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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