I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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