it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
