They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
