You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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