i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
