i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oh god it's open bar.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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