He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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