perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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