you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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