hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
