Four minutes until I can fart!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
