I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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