My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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