she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
