Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
