Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
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I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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