I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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