She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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