Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
