The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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