I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
