taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
