Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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