you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
