Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
