Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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