i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
