Well apparently he's into motor boating.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
