can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
