There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
