Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
