gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
