Umm I'm too high to move.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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