I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
