I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
