no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
