I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
