so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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