Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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