According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
