I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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