i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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