I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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