I think my fart just growled at me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I did not marry a roomba.
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