tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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