i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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