if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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