ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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