Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's blow job season.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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