These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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