I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
