someone threw a dead crab at me
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Drunk is a universal language darling
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
